Prior to getting pregnant, I escaped past traumas by numbing or avoiding. Rather than face what was looming, feeling the emotions and working through it, I numbed myself with alcohol, marijuana or seeking approval.
These multidimensional traumas, which is still something I'm working through, continued to be right there. Right in front of me.
I remember beginning Gabrielle Bernstein's "Judgement Detox" back in 2017 when I was at the height of numbing & running away. Unable to work through the steps thoroughly, I put the book to the side.
Right after, I had a conversation with my husband & let him know that I desired to have a baby. We started the conversation again. I had been holding back several thoughts & emotions from him; it caused a huge rift in our relationship. Instead of sharing, I hid, I numbed. He never judged me for it.
When we started on our path to healing as a couple, we began doing yoga together. We started to live a more intentional life on our bus. We began to grow back together, & it felt so good. We made a point to tune in with each other, no longer hiding but sharing our thoughts & feelings authentically. Having been in a space before of not sharing or shutting down, it took me time (just like any habit) to share.
We moved out of our bus, & I started working a different job that was fulfilling & fun. It allowed me to work remotely in Austin & travel around to see all parts of the city. I started tracking my ovulation. Three months later, we were pregnant.
Prior to getting pregnant, I always wondered about the type of person I would be without beer & bud. I had gotten so used to enjoying a beer when going out to eat or smoking pot in the evening before yoga & bedtime.
In full goddess pregnancy mode (& totally sober), I started to face myself fully. I made meditation a daily practice, just sitting with my breath. I did yoga regularly, typically daily, even if it was just for 5 minutes. I journaled. I enthusiastically looked to the future. It felt amazing to be in this creating mode - creating a baby, creating a life. I reached a point I hadn't felt for a long time...full connection to my body, a deep connection between body & mind.
This is where my healing began. Pregnancy broke open my heart & soul. It allowed me to fully face emotions & work through them...
The journey still continues & I'll share other aspects of my healing post-pregnancy next time.
Wishing You Wellness,